Monday, September 20, 2010

Free Write: Something Beautiful

It’s like when you feel a train leave the station and you’re walking in the opposite direction of it’s own, but parallel to it. You walk within those yellow lines even though, in part, it frightens you to feel the strong vibrations of everything around you including the ground beneath you. The wind blowing your hair back reminds you of the force it exerts and makes you wonder what would happen if even a small piece of metal was lifted up by this force and flung at you. Would you die? Would you experience extreme pain?
That’s the feeling of danger you get when life starts going by really quickly. You have no control of it’s speed and what could happen if even one small thing goes wrong. You expect things to run smoothly and you stand in between the yellow line separating you and life. Most people stay behind it to avoid the possibility of something terrible going wrong, but you want to know what it feels like to feel the wind in your hair. You know that to experience life, sometimes you have to take risks.
So, you stand there watching it pass by, getting closer and closer, and then something flings off and hits you in the face. It hurts, it hurts more than anything you’ve ever known, but you wipe the blood and you endure the pain. You know that all wounds heal. You keep moving closer and closer to life moving so fast by you and then you touch it, but you aren’t there yet so you fall down from the impact. It hurts even more than the last time, so you lay there for a second. You almost give up, most people would walk away from it there. You feel sorry for yourself, but only for a second. Then, you reach your hands below your chest and push yourself back up. You brush off the mess you made, and you put yourself back together again.
Now, you stand there and life seems to finally slow down so that you can see all that has happened. You collect all of the memories of the incidents that hurt you and you accept them for what they are, scars and all, because life is finally coming to a halt. All of the beauty you had been waiting for and working so hard to get would soon be visible to you. You stand there in awe, this is life, and although the time you waited seemed long and the life you waited for seemed hard to reach, you know this is the beginning of something beautiful

*Note: This is just what I do on the train… write randomly.

Friday, September 17, 2010

9/16/10

Passionate, I want to be passionate about more than love.
I want to want more than love.
I guess I want love so bad because I have always felt I have lacked it.
Being attacked by, more than just your everyday bully.
I only knew love in the form of clenched fists slammed against my fair skin, or
Love in the form of words that hurt more than the welts on my body.
I was "nobody, but a piece of shit", and as pathetic as it is, I never felt beautiful, I couldn't even believe it when mami said,
Because mami loves her fair skinned, dark-haired baby, but she was the only one who saw beauty,
And most people would say that when you have a face only a mom could love then you have no face at all.
Ridiculed, traumatized, convinced by people's lies, and alone so I had to make a world of my own quick.
I drowned myself in books and movies, not only about love, but all the ones about love had the same idea.
I had to be beautiful, I'd have a man that would tell me I'm beautiful everyday,
I'd be filled with problems and insecurities, and I would have a man that would love me anyway,
he'd want to tell the world, he'd be so deeply in love, we'd fight and we break up, but he'd always run and chase me before I could get away.
So I never cared about a man, I only cared about the love.
So I'd suck the love out of anyone who dared utter the word or act like they cared, even just a little.
I only wanted the love, but none of it was real so it never satisfied me.
So I spent a lot of time alone, still wanting the love, without any strings or unnecessary sexual advances or advancement of relationships.
I gave up on the idea that I had to be loved and then right when I almost completely seperated myself from the need, I fell.
I fell deeply into something toxic and all my passion for being alone and being alive turned into needing love again.
So now I need love and I can't turn away from the desire.
It burns within me at all times and I can't let the habit die.