What is it I keep searching for
In every second of every minute
And each moment
Why do I keep crying
Like this is all some big mistake by chance
And I don't have a choice
How can I blame anyone, but me
For causing all of this for myself
When I know it's all my fault
And I keep reaching for the fire
With every burn I'm a little more drawn
I keep reaching for the fire
Finally the pain is not so appealing,
But I feel like I can never let go.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Grammar and sentence structure.
40+ tips to improve your grammar and punctuation.
http://www.dumblittleman.com/2006/12/40-tips-to-improve-your-grammar-and.html
For lessons
http://www.dailygrammar.com/
http://www.dumblittleman.com/2006/12/40-tips-to-improve-your-grammar-and.html
For lessons
http://www.dailygrammar.com/
Monday, January 17, 2011
Business Not Pleasure: An update.
An update on the post from last night about business vs. pleasure: two of the people who were my friends are no longer that. Yep, that's how the cookie crumbles. It sounds awful, but it makes for a better story rather than a book or movie ending, we have reality. We have life. Here is our climax people! And luckily, what comes next is the denouement
I said a few things that were out of line that night because I thought I was talking to a friend, but in reality our relationship had changed long before that night. I hadn't realized it, again, because I was so caught up in my own world and all of the other things that have been affecting my life lately. I'm not saying it's okay to get extremely out of line with your friends all the time, but I am saying that friends usually forgive.
Not surprisingly, the friend who has gotten really close to her chose to follow her lead. What does that mean? Two friends down. So, in my point to help, I lost two people. That's life. I've made a separate post about people and losing them before. I rather have a small amount of real friends than a large amount of "friends". Those all turn out to be relationships that cause my life headaches.
It will make for an awkward workplace at times, but it also means that I don't have to worry about anyone's feelings when I make work related decisions or when I'm keeping up with people. So while one dilemma rears it's ugly head, another clears up. Besides, I'll only have to deal with awkwardness for a few minutes or possibly for one shift. That in itself is a sunnier disposition for me. I can assure you that this isn't a negative post. It's hopeful, and it's saying that life happens and lessons are learned from every situation. I can't make people be my friends. I can only hope that they are grateful for the opportunity I gave to them, and that it does help them as much as need be and as much as I originally wanted it to. I will never again put myself in such a position.
I said a few things that were out of line that night because I thought I was talking to a friend, but in reality our relationship had changed long before that night. I hadn't realized it, again, because I was so caught up in my own world and all of the other things that have been affecting my life lately. I'm not saying it's okay to get extremely out of line with your friends all the time, but I am saying that friends usually forgive.
Not surprisingly, the friend who has gotten really close to her chose to follow her lead. What does that mean? Two friends down. So, in my point to help, I lost two people. That's life. I've made a separate post about people and losing them before. I rather have a small amount of real friends than a large amount of "friends". Those all turn out to be relationships that cause my life headaches.
It will make for an awkward workplace at times, but it also means that I don't have to worry about anyone's feelings when I make work related decisions or when I'm keeping up with people. So while one dilemma rears it's ugly head, another clears up. Besides, I'll only have to deal with awkwardness for a few minutes or possibly for one shift. That in itself is a sunnier disposition for me. I can assure you that this isn't a negative post. It's hopeful, and it's saying that life happens and lessons are learned from every situation. I can't make people be my friends. I can only hope that they are grateful for the opportunity I gave to them, and that it does help them as much as need be and as much as I originally wanted it to. I will never again put myself in such a position.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Business Not Pleasure
What I write in this post may or may not upset some individuals and/or fuel a fire that is still engulfing a portion of my life right now. However, I promised myself I wouldn’t censor my blog for anyone and whatever the following may cause is what fate will have it be.
In helping out others I have hindered the flexibility of my job. A couple months ago I hired 3 people: two friends from different aspects of my life and a new friend from a completely different aspect of my life. I was warned of the repercussions of this by many people, but I refused to believe that helping out would ever be a bad thing.
Now that the semester is coming around, I find myself in a tricky situation. A situation where I will work 5 days a week and go to school three days a week. I thought by going to school three days a week things might be easier, but I’m starting to feel I was horribly wrong when I made that assumption. Two of those days, Tuesday and Thursday, I will be going to school from 9:30am until 6:15pm and then going to work directly after until 11pm. That hardly sounds doable considering I will work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (which is now in question and hurting my plan even more). I know there are ways to switch to get a weekday off, but that would mean working a later shift during the weekend. The only time I get to see my mother is on weekends and anything, but an early shift Saturday would make seeing her impossible since she lives so far away.
Now, I made my schedule that way because I thought about how flexible work usually is. Work is no longer that easy because the three people I pushed to be hired are stone cold about making changes in their schedule. Had I not pushed and my job had found other people, I probably wouldn’t be in this situation. Actually, I know I wouldn’t be in this situation because I’ve never been so stuck in a schedule in my life. My job usually goes for people who are out of school; dancers, actors, etc.
Newly being manager and trying to live up to the last manager’s reputation put a lot of pressure on the situations I was in as well because my position was never understood. I was trying to keep friendships instead of putting a foot down. I never explained how things would be because I assumed that they would understand my position from the beginning. I can’t fully put blame on any one because it was my decision to have these people hired. It is also my fault that instigated situations got out of hand because I wasn’t sure how to handle them. Again, I have never dealt with such situations at work in my life. All of these things boiled up to a huge misunderstanding and now I’m facing the hardest situation I have ever come across in my work history.
To be honest, I wish I could go back and make a better decision. I wish that I would have thought about how hard it would be being manager first without adding the pressure of being manager to your friends and making a new friend. These people will never understand how hard it actually is to be in my position because they aren’t in it. They can only see from the outside in and from their point of view I look like a shitty person. I’m just a hurt person worried about how this will all play out. I didn’t think with my brain, I thought with my heart. I know the people in the situation don’t see it that way and possibly feel I’m selfish or self absorbed, but if that was the case then I would have never tried to help anybody out. The moment I knew that there would be openings I thought about the best suited people for the job who might need the job. I honestly took a lot of time to think about it because I didn’t want to fuck it up. I still fucked it up and I suppose that it was meant to be that way. I feel that all of life’s mishaps are meant to teach you something.
In the future, I will try to sort out my thoughts and really analyze things before I make such rash decisions. I will listen to the advice given by other people and take things a little slower. Sometimes helping out too much (or feeling like your doing a large good deed) can be a bad thing. Too much good can also be bad or so they say.
All I can do now is hope that better things will come and a new plan will unfold that will bring me some sort of ease. Panicking about what hasn’t come yet will only make me more stressed out, so I’ll take it as it comes. I’m trying to calm life down, one breath at a time. I trust that things might get worse, but that only means that anything else that comes will feel so much better.
I’ll figure it out when the time comes and I will master these two writing courses, history course, and Italian course. I will master all of them while working hard, paying my bills/rent, and surviving in any way I can. Nothing is impossible.
In helping out others I have hindered the flexibility of my job. A couple months ago I hired 3 people: two friends from different aspects of my life and a new friend from a completely different aspect of my life. I was warned of the repercussions of this by many people, but I refused to believe that helping out would ever be a bad thing.
Now that the semester is coming around, I find myself in a tricky situation. A situation where I will work 5 days a week and go to school three days a week. I thought by going to school three days a week things might be easier, but I’m starting to feel I was horribly wrong when I made that assumption. Two of those days, Tuesday and Thursday, I will be going to school from 9:30am until 6:15pm and then going to work directly after until 11pm. That hardly sounds doable considering I will work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (which is now in question and hurting my plan even more). I know there are ways to switch to get a weekday off, but that would mean working a later shift during the weekend. The only time I get to see my mother is on weekends and anything, but an early shift Saturday would make seeing her impossible since she lives so far away.
Now, I made my schedule that way because I thought about how flexible work usually is. Work is no longer that easy because the three people I pushed to be hired are stone cold about making changes in their schedule. Had I not pushed and my job had found other people, I probably wouldn’t be in this situation. Actually, I know I wouldn’t be in this situation because I’ve never been so stuck in a schedule in my life. My job usually goes for people who are out of school; dancers, actors, etc.
Newly being manager and trying to live up to the last manager’s reputation put a lot of pressure on the situations I was in as well because my position was never understood. I was trying to keep friendships instead of putting a foot down. I never explained how things would be because I assumed that they would understand my position from the beginning. I can’t fully put blame on any one because it was my decision to have these people hired. It is also my fault that instigated situations got out of hand because I wasn’t sure how to handle them. Again, I have never dealt with such situations at work in my life. All of these things boiled up to a huge misunderstanding and now I’m facing the hardest situation I have ever come across in my work history.
To be honest, I wish I could go back and make a better decision. I wish that I would have thought about how hard it would be being manager first without adding the pressure of being manager to your friends and making a new friend. These people will never understand how hard it actually is to be in my position because they aren’t in it. They can only see from the outside in and from their point of view I look like a shitty person. I’m just a hurt person worried about how this will all play out. I didn’t think with my brain, I thought with my heart. I know the people in the situation don’t see it that way and possibly feel I’m selfish or self absorbed, but if that was the case then I would have never tried to help anybody out. The moment I knew that there would be openings I thought about the best suited people for the job who might need the job. I honestly took a lot of time to think about it because I didn’t want to fuck it up. I still fucked it up and I suppose that it was meant to be that way. I feel that all of life’s mishaps are meant to teach you something.
In the future, I will try to sort out my thoughts and really analyze things before I make such rash decisions. I will listen to the advice given by other people and take things a little slower. Sometimes helping out too much (or feeling like your doing a large good deed) can be a bad thing. Too much good can also be bad or so they say.
All I can do now is hope that better things will come and a new plan will unfold that will bring me some sort of ease. Panicking about what hasn’t come yet will only make me more stressed out, so I’ll take it as it comes. I’m trying to calm life down, one breath at a time. I trust that things might get worse, but that only means that anything else that comes will feel so much better.
I’ll figure it out when the time comes and I will master these two writing courses, history course, and Italian course. I will master all of them while working hard, paying my bills/rent, and surviving in any way I can. Nothing is impossible.
Identity
I know nothing about explaining emotions,
No matter how hard I try nothing ever comes out right,
In my head, everything sounds perfect,
but when I let all of my thoughts out
I'm overwhelmed with the reactions they bring.
I'll never know how to be charming,
I have no delightful quirkiness to me,
and if I ever did, I must of lost it long ago..
No matter how hard I try nothing ever comes out right,
In my head, everything sounds perfect,
but when I let all of my thoughts out
I'm overwhelmed with the reactions they bring.
I'll never know how to be charming,
I have no delightful quirkiness to me,
and if I ever did, I must of lost it long ago..
I wanted to be Judy Garland.
My mom always told me I reminded her of Judy, but I could never and don't think I will ever be able to pull of being that classy. I can never be classy because I curse too much, I don't think when I eat so I bang dishes/cups and slurp, I put my elbows on the table, I slouch, I walk very sloppy, I'm very clumsy, I'm not dainty, I speak before I think, I do not censor my words to people's likings, all of my movements are awkward, my eye movements are also awkward, I say "like" "um" "you know what I mean" "yeah" too much, and more. I'm possibly the complete opposite of classy and I don't like that about myself because I've always longed to be a classy young woman strolling along in my elegance without trying too hard. Classy will never come easy for me, growing up raised by two men and in Brooklyn never taught me classy.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Day One: Loneliness.
Her days were filled with loneliness, but there were times when she was so happy. Most of her happy moments would be interrupted by something that would be blown out of proportion. That's how she lived her life, on the dramatic end of the spectrum.
He left messages that could be thought as something else. It was a misunderstanding and she misunderstood it at first, too. She didn't see it coming. The clouds picked up in the night sky and winds blew treacherously. It was ridiculously cold. Inside there was a stir of emotions and mouths spoke words that hurt. A few slamming of doors and separation was all it took for her to grab a few things and jet before the storm came down.
Water left her eyes in buckets as she panted walking away swiftly. Her breath was short as she coughed out wailing into the night. She could see her breath in front of her as she gasped for air. Her panic attacks never came easy.
She had lost something that night. She had lost what was left of her sanity. She knew that this would only bring her bad fortune.
-- The first day of my challenge completed. I need to write something every single day until the semester starts. We'll count this for January 14 so tomorrow (what my blog considers today), I will be posting again.
He left messages that could be thought as something else. It was a misunderstanding and she misunderstood it at first, too. She didn't see it coming. The clouds picked up in the night sky and winds blew treacherously. It was ridiculously cold. Inside there was a stir of emotions and mouths spoke words that hurt. A few slamming of doors and separation was all it took for her to grab a few things and jet before the storm came down.
Water left her eyes in buckets as she panted walking away swiftly. Her breath was short as she coughed out wailing into the night. She could see her breath in front of her as she gasped for air. Her panic attacks never came easy.
She had lost something that night. She had lost what was left of her sanity. She knew that this would only bring her bad fortune.
-- The first day of my challenge completed. I need to write something every single day until the semester starts. We'll count this for January 14 so tomorrow (what my blog considers today), I will be posting again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
