So I've betrayed blogspot

and have taken on a tumblr, well I really already possed one from ages ago and never used it. I'm addicted so this blog will be as it was before, for poems and stories strictly. <3

holdthegplease.tumblr.com

Follow me :)

So this is going to be a heart to heart..

from me to me. Lol.

This summer I'm going to be a new person. I'm going to laugh and smile like I used to, my friend reminded me that I used to be like that. You couldn't say a sentence to me without me laughing. I let a lot of shit get in the way of that, but I'm so over dramatic I can't even stand myself anymore. So fuck that, 2 years ago when I went through a phase like this I used the phrase said to me by some good friends of mine Angel and Romeo to change it and it helped me so much. Dudes told me to "Man up! Man the fuck up!", ha shit worked. I appreciate the good friends I had and have in my life who told me that. I miss you Romeo, you were always a good friend to me and let me hear shit like it was even when I didn't want to hear it. You got me through so much. I didn't forget you Dimitri! You have been there for me since 7th grade even when I treated you so bad. I miss you D-boy, make time for your go-getta! lol Okay that's my fault to, but still. You guys are like the brothers I never had, yet you're acting lost like my real one.

I let a lot of things bring me down I noticed, but seriously I have a steady job, $$$, I go to school, I'm graduating, I'm going to college in August, I basically do whatever my heart desires, I have a crazy family who loves me unconditionally, I still have hair when I honestly shouldn't, and I'm crazy, but somehow there's a bunch of people who love me out there. $h0uT 0ut$ 2 U guYsZ! lmao. Seriously though, I'm happy. It's very cliche, but what good would happiness be without the pain? This summer is about me. It's about the sun, and the clouds, and the stars, and the birds, and the beaches, and the pools, and the late nights, and the bbqs, and the parties, and the smiles, and the frowns, and the haters, and the tears, and the romance, and the laughter, and the heartbreak, and the money that will be thrown away, and the clothes that will break night with me, and the just living life and remembering every last moment of being illegal because it's over soon.

Anyway, Senior trip is in 3 days ^_^ Yey. I'm really excited to just take a vacation with my girls because it's honestly going to be a us thing and I need it! I want to get wet! lmao. I just hope my hair doesn't fall out or turn green. Life is really better blonde and green tea does wonders for the soul. By the way I'm going to start writing stories again. In fact, I think I'm going to make another blog just for stories and have this one as a journal. I'm going to dedicate a blog to telling people's stories.. I mean an exagerated version, but a version nevertheless. I forgot what it feels like to write, it's better than green tea. No wonder I love to do this, lol. I'm going to get ready for work now.

Meow.

Hey, why don't spaces and indents work for me on here lol

She's alive..

“ You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there" — bob marley

So I haven't updated in a while

and I was bored at work when I started writing a bit of a blurb about myself. Here goes...

I'm the girl who's constantly daydreaming or scribbling hearts on anything tangible. The girl who trips on nothing and bumps her head on everything. The girl who smiles a little too much and laughs way too loud. The girl who kisses too soft and loves too hard. The girl who fidgets too much and won't look you in the eyes. The girl who maks a million faces and has a million moods a minute. The girl who thinks way too much and psyches her self out. The girl who gets annoyed and bored easily and doesn't take compliments well. The girl who can't forget, but always forgives. The girl who works hard and would give her money up to help someone else in a heart beat. The girl who is powered by sunshine and loves cool weather. The girl who rather walk around in her underwear than be confined to jeans. The girl who rather walk period. The girl you can catch curled up on her sofa with a cup of tea after a long day. The girl who has a mean bite and is a little too blunt at times. The girl who would die for a good book or a pen and paper. The girl who blames her Dominican descent for her boisterous manner, inability to speak without mixing up every other word, and love for all things Dominican. There's so much more , but in a nutshell I'm the girl who is aware of her many flaws yet is completely and utterly content with life.

Quick note to self

" Think happy, be happy, live happy and life will alway's be a peach, sweet on the inside and fuzzy on the outside which is always a good thing right? ;] "

I remember the day I wrote that had later become one of the worst days of my life, but somehow I still believe in it completely. Last night and this morning were pretty rough for me. I still don't understand why, but c'est la vie. To be honest, I'm not even in a good mood right now, but I'm optimistic for tomorrow? Yes. "Whatever tomorrow brings.." Tomorrow brings a new day and new possibilities that I can't wait to see unravel. From the time right before I turned 16(some of the worst days of my life), I promised myself I would learn from every experience I face. I'm learning and I'm opening up my eyes to the people and things around me. Life has been punching me in the face since then, but would any of my happiness feel as good without all of the pain?

So I'm learning and I need to learn to have an open mind and heart. I need to learn to control my anger which has become an on-going problem for me, but seriously I'm hoping to conquer it and soon. It's a process, baby steps. I feel like I've won something and I find it weird, since there isn't anything going on in my life where I should feel like I have won. My chest hurts I feel like someones laying on top of me, but then I feel like I'm winning a battle against myself because I'm still holding onto the little things. It's the little things that count, it's my desire for extra that's my downfall. I always said I like being extra.<3

"Even your heart has a pace
Ah, but how much time are you gonna take?
Too much would be a mistake"

And the only one who will ever understand this post is me.

Try and stop me

4/15/09

I'm unstoppable now, the world's in my palm
Try to stop me, try to destroy me, I'm indestructable
My heart isn't functional so I can survive the storm you bring everytime your eyes look at mine with passion
Rain drops and wind of love and lies
You can't break me down now, my eyes are sahara dry
My body doesn't long for yours anymore
Beds no longer mean pleasure and pain to me
I lay in mine content with dry cheeks now
Mental health in tact, How it's been sweet without the vibrations of your voice in my ear
I've felt happiness since you haven't been here
Near my skin, You won't get in or under now
The games had just begun for you, but I finished them now,

I win

Only you know

My hands were in his, holding on for pleasure's sake
No need to fake, at this moment I'm his, interwined in love's divine sister named lust
I've had him before once and now it's a must, now it's a need, and the only place I lose myself is through he
And we've gotten together regularly, but I'm not tired yet
And I don't think I can get tired of being so...
Oh, he's down in between, I'm feeling so much like I've never been here before
Every Single Time
He's opened a window I can't close, but I can't lie if I could I wouldn't even try
This is my ode to the way you've become a release I've never known and now you've show me a side of me that only you know
Smooth, the way you take me there, laying bare never felt as good as with you here,
With us nearing a climax that's sweet enough to make me climb up walls and then the moment falls, but I still feel your skin
I still feel it's a part of me now, deep within

Teenagers and lust run hand in hand

Skin touching, laying down
This is where I lose myself
Lips touching, not a sound
This isn't good for my health

They're in the wind now, walking down a New York street
Steps in rythmic beat, holding onto one another
Just in case love is lost, but love is sweet
Love is deep and we've gone too deep for those two, they won't own up to a thing, since things left unsaid are best kept unsaid and emotions shouldn't run hand in hand with relationships
If hearts spilled secret this relationship would turn to shit and it would just be best if we keep this physical because he's still a wolf
Sheep's clothing isn't even necesary here
He's real, so if you're too sensitive it's best that you "man up"
So when he won't kiss you and his hand slips from yours when that cute little stylish chick is leaning against the train door across from you two and he moves just a bit away from you, "Stop being so sensitive"
Hold onto your pride, you know, the only pride that you feel you have left after that
Hold onto your emotions
Don't crack now! You volunteered for the ride
Just hold back now because the cute little way he flirts with another female
On the low though
Might just break you down if you're not a man enough woman to have no emotions yet give all you got
Sweetheart growing up is not just about giving up your childhood
It's about giving up yourself, too
Giving up to a man, a boy, who by any means really doesn't care about you
He cares about the moment, and your legs going seperate ways,
And those other girls? They're "not important"
Nah, they don't mean a thing, I mean,
Just when he gets bored.

Every girl should know they're beautiful

I was speaking to a co-worker/ great friend of mine yesterday when he came in to visit Equinox and all its wonderful workers a.k.a me (haha). He brightened up my night with his words last night while he was trying on a pair of glasses he bought.

He said "A few years ago, I couldn't have pulled these off... I wasn't ready, but now I am." I laughed, "Why are you ready now?" and he said, "Because I'm fierce." I laughed and he said, "No, seriously, I'm ready now because before I had a lot of self esteem issues because people put me down, they're haters. Now I know that all along I was fierce and everyone who put me down was just a hater." I smiled at him, admiring him for this, "I want to think just like you." He said, "Oh you will, it comes with age, but all you need to know is that you're beautiful no matter what people say. As long as you believe it you will always be it."

And it's so true, as long as you carry yourself with confidence people will always see the beauty in you. I'm not saying walk around with your nose in the air (unless your like me and have a nose that sticks up all the time then you can't help it haha), but believe in yourself it's the least you can do. I noticed this about myself, I'm always complaining about things I have wrong with me that I can't change. I'm stuck with them for life, I might as well love my flaws. This is so cliche, but imperfection is beautiful, it's what makes us all unique. I'm learning to love myself more and more as each day goes by and I really feel like it's causing me to be a happier person in general.

Think happy, be happy, live happy and life will alway's be a peach, sweet on the inside and fuzzy on the outside which is always a good thing right? ;]

Untitled

I closed my eyes, you whispered in my ear
I opened them, you looked away
I looked around, surely somebody had seen your girlfriend's
Heart
Break
I blinked, you inched closer
I turned my head, you touched my leg
I clenched my fists, becoming the cause of your girlfriend's
Heart
Aches

He pulled me into him, smelling the guilt dripping
down my face
My body
He touched my...
Oh, and now we're laying on her bed
I mean his bed which really had become theirs
So many months ago on a night like this

He kissed my forehead, my lips, my chest, my navel
I closed my eyes in spite
This is the shit I will reminisce
And this is when shit got less complicated
He's taking off the only thing I have left
And taking the only thing I have left
Too bad he's yours,
Too bad he couldn't give
Me more than your
Heart
Breaking
When he took me and now solemly
With my clothes and your heart in my hands
I'm walking out his door

Good for nothing

So when I got that big promotion
I must of hurt your feelings
Because when you crept up in my mind
And mentally raped me, abused me, said all that shit to me
You made it seem like
I
did something wrong
But if that's the case why am I
Progressing and you, Mr. I can't get off your sofa
You're a man, you're supposed to be worth
More than a good fuck, and lately you haven't
Even been worth that much
Who are you supposed to be, are you a man or an ocean?
Either way you're drowning me
And their both my biggest fears
You're love is like a machete
Years of chopping my veins open
They bleed love and then they closing
And I'm supposed to be coping
Excuse me sir, will you give me back my mind
Once upon a time it had been mine
Once long ago my heart was poisened by lies
Once long ago I had been my own prince
And now I'm stuck in this shit
Oh sweet prince not so charming
Get the fuck out my apartment

Yesterday Stonybrook broke my heart

I cried my eyes out for Stonybrook. I knew once I had seen the skimpy letter, I was rejected, but it hurt so much more reading the actual words. My heart shattered in a thousand pieces because I felt like that's the only school I really wanted to get into besides Old Westbury. I had applied to Old Westbury but had recieved a email saying my application was incomplete and when I called numerous times, no answer. So my chest ached and I lost myself for a moment, but then Nati, Eustace, and Mya made me feel a lot better. Then today, I was at work and I received a phone call from my father saying I recieved a big envelope from Old Westbury, and then he read to me the most beautiful words... "Dear Ashley, Congratulations on your acceptance to the State University of New York College at Old Westbury..."

My heart is now whole again and my smile is now re-instated.

Pure bliss I tell you.

<3

My mother's son

The feeling was startling, the way tear drops felt cold against burning hot skin. These were the tears of what felt like an unworthy son who hathed sin. These were the tears in which he sought refuge, the only relief he could hold onto even for a minute
a second
a moment
Where the feeling of something, of anything, could bring more shock than that of a mother's parted lips leaking lucid disaster. These tears more trustworthy than real thoughts becoming a lying voice bringing a disapointed face landing disagreeably into a plain of guilt he knows as his eyes. The pain of his mother's cries in the form of punishment, inside a part of her dies. A part called trust. And a serial killer he was, killing his mother's dreams for him, with a knife made of lies. Little did he know something that seemed so simple would end trust's life. End his mother's sweet lullaby, the only slumber she had gotten since he last strangled trust. Oh how trust cried, screaming loud enough to hear, but not loud enough for him to open up his eyes. He wouldn't try, he wouldn't budge, he couldn't feel his mother's love. He couldn't feel his mother's pain until she screamed until her lungs gave out again and again and again.

Couldn't hold his mother's trust so he choked it
He rolled up his mother's feelings
Licked the blunt and smoked it
Wasn't nothin to him since she claimed he was full of it
Once he got a feel for it
Wasn't nothing real but it
And it was the only thing he could feel and shit
So he figured since he ill and shit
Might as well be a tangible and legitimate
Reason to stop feeling
Still numb every change of season
Couldn't give a fuck who he pleasing
Since a blunt is the only thing in life that wouldn't tease him
The easiest thing he could cop
Since he couldn't cop a diploma
And when her heart stopped
It was the only other thing he was holding

So proud of myself ^_^

I think I've gotten out of my writer's block coma. I've been writing lately and I love it. So I'm using all sorts of emotions to bring out my creativity since it's been lacking. Thank god for my over active imagination and my love of movies because they have great moments to branch off of and write about. Ahh, I'm really content right now. All I need is to be accepted and life would seriously be great.

Give me something with more meaning

I want to feel butterflies and electric chills
Everytime we touch
Hold the lust, give me more
Give me something I can trust, say you will,
Say it's real, because sore and beaten,
My heart is holding up agaisnt the pain,
Say it to me again, hold me one more time
Your arms wrapped around mine is heaven
Your lips touching mine is honey
Make all the money in the world
Be insufficient to the feeling you pour into my heart,
Let parting be a far try
Never let me cry, Never let water have
Relations to my eyes

On any given night be my moon
For when suns set and my eyes close
Although all is dark and we are far apart
I know soon that your light will still shine on
My face and replace missing you with sweet memory filled dreams
This is all that I want you to mean
This is all that you'd become in my life
No matter if it's right or wrong
When there is no melody to cheer me up
The thought of you would be my never ending love song

The ex factor

On your free time, she's on your mind
On your free time, she's on your mind

I'm still bothered by the fact that she's still relevant
Because relevance means way more than presence
And she's got both.
I'm still jumping over moons to understand you
And what it will take to show my presence is worth more
My heart is clear, no presence here
Open for you to take hold
But you're stuck on the past
And I can't compete
Which is why my heart normally stays closed
So when you're thinking of her
I hope it reminds you of me
And how I feel
Because atleast I'll know I was in your thoughts too
In underlying thoughts concealed.

Great, great video.

Someone showed me this video a long time ago, and I recently stumbled upon it again. I loved it since the first day I saw it and still love it. What I love about this video is everything. The acting, the song, the plot, the animations, it's all executed beautifully. The situation is relatable and portrayal is completely relevant.

I don't normally do this, but

it might be the beginning of something new for me? I've been taking a lot of pictures lately using my family as my muse. So, no, I'm not trying to be a photographer or any of that jazz. Just something that has been taking up some of my time. This is going to be a bit of a long post.

Better place your bets.

"You're better off betting on a horse than betting on a man. A horse may not be able to hold tight, but he doesn't wanna wander from the stable at night."

The realest dream of all.

I'm hanging on a ledge.
I feel my arm trembling.
My fingers slipping, sweaty, flattened
by the painful pressure of my body;
A ledge called stability.
I hate this ledge,
there's not enough room on this ledge,
there's not enough room on this ledge for my mind.

It had been tormenting me since I first laid eyes on it.
I longed to stand above it, confident and sure.
It told me I would never make it and that just made me want it more.
It made me chase it, it knew what it was doing.
That big golden ledge that seemed a thousand miles from where I was.
So I ran to it, I figured if I ran hard enough I could conquer it.
So I ran my hardest and as I came up to it I felt all the strength run through my legs.
I was in the air floating higher and higher.

Suddenly, I realized I had tried too hard, I jumped way too high.
I flew over the ledge watching it slowly pass below me.
I started falling so fast I could hardly catch my breath.
I waved my arms and legs as hard as I could wishing that I would magically be able to fly freely.
I saw it coming closer,
that stupid ledge,
it was just to my left.
I thought maybe if I reached my arms out real far I could grab it.
So I stretched my arms out as far as I could
and thats how I ended up here hanging off the side of stability
for years of my life because past age 13 nothing's simple anymore.
What a trip.