Business Not Pleasure

What I write in this post may or may not upset some individuals and/or fuel a fire that is still engulfing a portion of my life right now. However, I promised myself I wouldn’t censor my blog for anyone and whatever the following may cause is what fate will have it be.

In helping out others I have hindered the flexibility of my job. A couple months ago I hired 3 people: two friends from different aspects of my life and a new friend from a completely different aspect of my life. I was warned of the repercussions of this by many people, but I refused to believe that helping out would ever be a bad thing.

Now that the semester is coming around, I find myself in a tricky situation. A situation where I will work 5 days a week and go to school three days a week. I thought by going to school three days a week things might be easier, but I’m starting to feel I was horribly wrong when I made that assumption. Two of those days, Tuesday and Thursday, I will be going to school from 9:30am until 6:15pm and then going to work directly after until 11pm. That hardly sounds doable considering I will work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (which is now in question and hurting my plan even more). I know there are ways to switch to get a weekday off, but that would mean working a later shift during the weekend. The only time I get to see my mother is on weekends and anything, but an early shift Saturday would make seeing her impossible since she lives so far away.

Now, I made my schedule that way because I thought about how flexible work usually is. Work is no longer that easy because the three people I pushed to be hired are stone cold about making changes in their schedule. Had I not pushed and my job had found other people, I probably wouldn’t be in this situation. Actually, I know I wouldn’t be in this situation because I’ve never been so stuck in a schedule in my life. My job usually goes for people who are out of school; dancers, actors, etc.

Newly being manager and trying to live up to the last manager’s reputation put a lot of pressure on the situations I was in as well because my position was never understood. I was trying to keep friendships instead of putting a foot down. I never explained how things would be because I assumed that they would understand my position from the beginning. I can’t fully put blame on any one because it was my decision to have these people hired. It is also my fault that instigated situations got out of hand because I wasn’t sure how to handle them. Again, I have never dealt with such situations at work in my life. All of these things boiled up to a huge misunderstanding and now I’m facing the hardest situation I have ever come across in my work history.

To be honest, I wish I could go back and make a better decision. I wish that I would have thought about how hard it would be being manager first without adding the pressure of being manager to your friends and making a new friend. These people will never understand how hard it actually is to be in my position because they aren’t in it. They can only see from the outside in and from their point of view I look like a shitty person. I’m just a hurt person worried about how this will all play out. I didn’t think with my brain, I thought with my heart. I know the people in the situation don’t see it that way and possibly feel I’m selfish or self absorbed, but if that was the case then I would have never tried to help anybody out. The moment I knew that there would be openings I thought about the best suited people for the job who might need the job. I honestly took a lot of time to think about it because I didn’t want to fuck it up. I still fucked it up and I suppose that it was meant to be that way. I feel that all of life’s mishaps are meant to teach you something.

In the future, I will try to sort out my thoughts and really analyze things before I make such rash decisions. I will listen to the advice given by other people and take things a little slower. Sometimes helping out too much (or feeling like your doing a large good deed) can be a bad thing. Too much good can also be bad or so they say.

All I can do now is hope that better things will come and a new plan will unfold that will bring me some sort of ease. Panicking about what hasn’t come yet will only make me more stressed out, so I’ll take it as it comes. I’m trying to calm life down, one breath at a time. I trust that things might get worse, but that only means that anything else that comes will feel so much better.

I’ll figure it out when the time comes and I will master these two writing courses, history course, and Italian course. I will master all of them while working hard, paying my bills/rent, and surviving in any way I can. Nothing is impossible.