I don't want life to pass me by.

Every day I realize how much less I want to continue school until I know what I want out of life. I feel forced into this now and I'm not sure how long it will be until I crack. I have no idea if what I think I want to do is actually what I want to do or what I think I want to do because I know sooner or later I'll have to make a decision. That decision could determine the rest of my life. What if I wake up one day and realize I don't want to do what I went to school for anymore? I will have wasted all of my mom's money that she didn't really have to spare in the first place.

I'm not lazy, I love school. I'd feel a lot better about school if I didn't have to take bullshit classes and spend large amounts of money just so I can have a certain amount of credits. I wish I could just know what I want and go straight into that. I feel like an education is so damn hard to afford, but society makes it seem so necessary. Most of society makes it seem like you have to come out of high school half knowing (or knowing) what you want and sticking to that. They run you through this process that makes you think you have a choice of changing up what you want at any point, but it's all so rushed that you're forced to choose quickly. Forget about doing what I love because it's obvious that if doing what I love doesn't make money, it doesn't make sense because I see my mother and stepfather struggling to make a living out of nothing. They're struggling to pay for my school, something my own college graduate of a father working in a hospital won't even do for me.

What is it all for? If I'm always going to be working and never going to be happy. If happy means that I'm always going to be struggling. Tell me, what is it all for? I'm tired of making my mother cough of wads of cash she doesn't have to help me fulfill a dream that doesn't even belong to me. The dream she's supporting is just the next best thing because it makes money in comparison with what I believe my real dream is. I feel so rushed into this next best thing. What the fuck is it all for?