9/16/10

Passionate, I want to be passionate about more than love.
I want to want more than love.
I guess I want love so bad because I have always felt I have lacked it.
Being attacked by, more than just your everyday bully.
I only knew love in the form of clenched fists slammed against my fair skin, or
Love in the form of words that hurt more than the welts on my body.
I was "nobody, but a piece of shit", and as pathetic as it is, I never felt beautiful, I couldn't even believe it when mami said,
Because mami loves her fair skinned, dark-haired baby, but she was the only one who saw beauty,
And most people would say that when you have a face only a mom could love then you have no face at all.
Ridiculed, traumatized, convinced by people's lies, and alone so I had to make a world of my own quick.
I drowned myself in books and movies, not only about love, but all the ones about love had the same idea.
I had to be beautiful, I'd have a man that would tell me I'm beautiful everyday,
I'd be filled with problems and insecurities, and I would have a man that would love me anyway,
he'd want to tell the world, he'd be so deeply in love, we'd fight and we break up, but he'd always run and chase me before I could get away.
So I never cared about a man, I only cared about the love.
So I'd suck the love out of anyone who dared utter the word or act like they cared, even just a little.
I only wanted the love, but none of it was real so it never satisfied me.
So I spent a lot of time alone, still wanting the love, without any strings or unnecessary sexual advances or advancement of relationships.
I gave up on the idea that I had to be loved and then right when I almost completely seperated myself from the need, I fell.
I fell deeply into something toxic and all my passion for being alone and being alive turned into needing love again.
So now I need love and I can't turn away from the desire.
It burns within me at all times and I can't let the habit die.