We've got this habit of writing memories on walls
With our skin.
We've got this way about us,
You've got this way with me when you're in
and I'm out of my mind.
In those moments my worries go unthought of,
So my mouth can't speak complaints.
Your eyes tell my eyes it is okay, to close.
Your lips tell my lips parted lips should voice pleasure and not woes.
Your fingertips tell me I'm beautiful and I'm dirty,
And I'm everything and the only thing I feel in those moments.
This is the only place the world can't come to find me.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
It's my life, don't you forget.
Arguing with my mom always places me in a horrible mood as it should. This all began on the topic of marijuana. I tried to explain to her how everyday I become a little less enthused by law and religion and a little more inclined to live life how I want. I don’t believe in religion and I’m growing to care less and less about laws. That doesn’t mean I won’t follow them, it just means I’m more likely to bend them to my liking. Somehow that processed in her mind to mean that I have no morals and that I’ll end up in jail. She jumped from marijuana use to me killing someone. Apparently, since I will break a law about using a substance I am more likely to kill someone. How that adds up, I’ll never know.
I really don’t feel the need to follow a bunch of guidelines made for me by man. Just because I don’t believe in following what someone else tells me to do with my life doesn’t mean I’m going to do things that are considered morally incorrect (who decides what morally correct is anyway?). In my opinion, I know what is right and wrong by how it affects other people. If I kill someone, I take away a life, someone’s loved one, friend, etc. If I steal from someone, I’m taking something that isn’t mine. If I cook up some crack and sell it, I’m possibly ruining someone’s life. However, if I decided to sit home one day and smoke marijuana no one is affected by me. I really feel that is the best way to measure morality. If you’re going to do something and you want to measure if it’s right or not, think about how it will affect someone else. I mean really think about how it could affect anyone in anyway. If what you’re going to do only affects yourself or it might affect someone, but in no way that will hurt them then it is moral. No?
People spend so much of their lives worrying about what other people are going to think or say or feel or do about whatever it is that they’re doing that they don’t get to live. Days are long, years are short. Life is long, but it passes by quickly. I don’t want to spend my life doing what other people told me to because according to them it is okay/right/correct. People don’t decide what is best for my life. I want to spend my life living the way I feel best suits me. I feel that if my decisions in life do not negatively affect someone else, if my decisions do no hurt anyone else in any way, then they are my decisions and mine alone. To bother means to take an effort to do something, to take the trouble to do something. Whatever decision anyone else chooses to make is their own and I am not bothered by it if I’m not affected. Being bothered would take some effort to care about something that doesn’t affect me.
If I don’t bother to affect you, don’t bother to question me.
I really don’t feel the need to follow a bunch of guidelines made for me by man. Just because I don’t believe in following what someone else tells me to do with my life doesn’t mean I’m going to do things that are considered morally incorrect (who decides what morally correct is anyway?). In my opinion, I know what is right and wrong by how it affects other people. If I kill someone, I take away a life, someone’s loved one, friend, etc. If I steal from someone, I’m taking something that isn’t mine. If I cook up some crack and sell it, I’m possibly ruining someone’s life. However, if I decided to sit home one day and smoke marijuana no one is affected by me. I really feel that is the best way to measure morality. If you’re going to do something and you want to measure if it’s right or not, think about how it will affect someone else. I mean really think about how it could affect anyone in anyway. If what you’re going to do only affects yourself or it might affect someone, but in no way that will hurt them then it is moral. No?
People spend so much of their lives worrying about what other people are going to think or say or feel or do about whatever it is that they’re doing that they don’t get to live. Days are long, years are short. Life is long, but it passes by quickly. I don’t want to spend my life doing what other people told me to because according to them it is okay/right/correct. People don’t decide what is best for my life. I want to spend my life living the way I feel best suits me. I feel that if my decisions in life do not negatively affect someone else, if my decisions do no hurt anyone else in any way, then they are my decisions and mine alone. To bother means to take an effort to do something, to take the trouble to do something. Whatever decision anyone else chooses to make is their own and I am not bothered by it if I’m not affected. Being bothered would take some effort to care about something that doesn’t affect me.
If I don’t bother to affect you, don’t bother to question me.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
If you touch my baby's hair, I'll have to kill you.
I'm not saying that I want kids right now. I do not. I'm already perplexed about life enough. I also am not saying that I will be having kids with my boyfriend right now because that's a big thing to plan and who knows what tomorrow will bring.
BUT, I am saying that when I have kids I'm pretty sure it's not going to be with a man who has a straight or wavy hair. I've never dated any type of European or Caucasian guys, or even lighter skinned Hispanic. I usually date guys who have a darker complexion than me whether they be Hispanic or African American. Because of this most of them had fairly (but undoubtedly) curly to extremely curly hair and I'm pretty sure my future has someone with the same kind of hair in store. In any case, even if I did move on to have kids with someone with straight hair my strong genes might cause them to be born with very thick, curly hair considering how curly my hair is.
The point is, I promise my unborn children, specifically daughters if I have them, that I will never let anyone relax or put any chemicals of the sort near their hair. If I hadn't lived with my father and grandfather as a child my mother would have never relaxed my hair from the time I was five years old until my freshmen year in high school. There was no need, my natural hair was capable of growing long and beautifully. Today, I might even be more comfortable with my hair as it is and naturally had they never made me go through the process of constant relaxing and cutting my hair to shoulder length.
At one point, when I stopped relaxing I didn't appreciate my hair enough to take care of it. I had this full head of thick hair that spread out wide and far, and everyone would make fun of me for it (even when it was relaxed, but curly!). I came to be ashamed of what I had on my head so when I was old enough I tried everything I could to change it. I went through having half of my head copper and the other brown to being a full copper color to becoming a red head to bleaching my hair... twice to cutting it all off and dying it light brown to flat iron it to death until I needed to cut it off again and dye it black to blond highlights to the front part of my hair being blond to half of my head being blond and really damaged to what I have now. At the beginning of these years of hair transformation I was happy that I was losing hair because I hate having so much and people making fun of me. Now, I'd give anything to have my natural full, thick hair back, but I'll never have it back. My hair is still thicker than most, but it is nothing like what I started out with and nothing like what I had after I stopped relaxing. To anyone else, my hair is perfectly fine now. One might even say that my hair is pretty. Internally, dealing with the fact that this is my hair now bothers me a lot.
The smallest things can change how a person feels inside about life and about them. I want my kids to be proud of their hair no matter what texture it is. I want them to be able to grow up with strong, thick hair like I used to have if that is the case. I want them to understand that the way they were (will be) born is beautiful and let no one convince them of any different. I don't mind if they experiment with different things, but I want them to do it by choice. I want them to do it because it's what they truly want and not because the people around them told them it would be better. I want to teach my unborn children to know that they are best just the way they are.
BUT, I am saying that when I have kids I'm pretty sure it's not going to be with a man who has a straight or wavy hair. I've never dated any type of European or Caucasian guys, or even lighter skinned Hispanic. I usually date guys who have a darker complexion than me whether they be Hispanic or African American. Because of this most of them had fairly (but undoubtedly) curly to extremely curly hair and I'm pretty sure my future has someone with the same kind of hair in store. In any case, even if I did move on to have kids with someone with straight hair my strong genes might cause them to be born with very thick, curly hair considering how curly my hair is.
The point is, I promise my unborn children, specifically daughters if I have them, that I will never let anyone relax or put any chemicals of the sort near their hair. If I hadn't lived with my father and grandfather as a child my mother would have never relaxed my hair from the time I was five years old until my freshmen year in high school. There was no need, my natural hair was capable of growing long and beautifully. Today, I might even be more comfortable with my hair as it is and naturally had they never made me go through the process of constant relaxing and cutting my hair to shoulder length.
At one point, when I stopped relaxing I didn't appreciate my hair enough to take care of it. I had this full head of thick hair that spread out wide and far, and everyone would make fun of me for it (even when it was relaxed, but curly!). I came to be ashamed of what I had on my head so when I was old enough I tried everything I could to change it. I went through having half of my head copper and the other brown to being a full copper color to becoming a red head to bleaching my hair... twice to cutting it all off and dying it light brown to flat iron it to death until I needed to cut it off again and dye it black to blond highlights to the front part of my hair being blond to half of my head being blond and really damaged to what I have now. At the beginning of these years of hair transformation I was happy that I was losing hair because I hate having so much and people making fun of me. Now, I'd give anything to have my natural full, thick hair back, but I'll never have it back. My hair is still thicker than most, but it is nothing like what I started out with and nothing like what I had after I stopped relaxing. To anyone else, my hair is perfectly fine now. One might even say that my hair is pretty. Internally, dealing with the fact that this is my hair now bothers me a lot.
The smallest things can change how a person feels inside about life and about them. I want my kids to be proud of their hair no matter what texture it is. I want them to be able to grow up with strong, thick hair like I used to have if that is the case. I want them to understand that the way they were (will be) born is beautiful and let no one convince them of any different. I don't mind if they experiment with different things, but I want them to do it by choice. I want them to do it because it's what they truly want and not because the people around them told them it would be better. I want to teach my unborn children to know that they are best just the way they are.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
I don't want life to pass me by.
Every day I realize how much less I want to continue school until I know what I want out of life. I feel forced into this now and I'm not sure how long it will be until I crack. I have no idea if what I think I want to do is actually what I want to do or what I think I want to do because I know sooner or later I'll have to make a decision. That decision could determine the rest of my life. What if I wake up one day and realize I don't want to do what I went to school for anymore? I will have wasted all of my mom's money that she didn't really have to spare in the first place.
I'm not lazy, I love school. I'd feel a lot better about school if I didn't have to take bullshit classes and spend large amounts of money just so I can have a certain amount of credits. I wish I could just know what I want and go straight into that. I feel like an education is so damn hard to afford, but society makes it seem so necessary. Most of society makes it seem like you have to come out of high school half knowing (or knowing) what you want and sticking to that. They run you through this process that makes you think you have a choice of changing up what you want at any point, but it's all so rushed that you're forced to choose quickly. Forget about doing what I love because it's obvious that if doing what I love doesn't make money, it doesn't make sense because I see my mother and stepfather struggling to make a living out of nothing. They're struggling to pay for my school, something my own college graduate of a father working in a hospital won't even do for me.
What is it all for? If I'm always going to be working and never going to be happy. If happy means that I'm always going to be struggling. Tell me, what is it all for? I'm tired of making my mother cough of wads of cash she doesn't have to help me fulfill a dream that doesn't even belong to me. The dream she's supporting is just the next best thing because it makes money in comparison with what I believe my real dream is. I feel so rushed into this next best thing. What the fuck is it all for?
I'm not lazy, I love school. I'd feel a lot better about school if I didn't have to take bullshit classes and spend large amounts of money just so I can have a certain amount of credits. I wish I could just know what I want and go straight into that. I feel like an education is so damn hard to afford, but society makes it seem so necessary. Most of society makes it seem like you have to come out of high school half knowing (or knowing) what you want and sticking to that. They run you through this process that makes you think you have a choice of changing up what you want at any point, but it's all so rushed that you're forced to choose quickly. Forget about doing what I love because it's obvious that if doing what I love doesn't make money, it doesn't make sense because I see my mother and stepfather struggling to make a living out of nothing. They're struggling to pay for my school, something my own college graduate of a father working in a hospital won't even do for me.
What is it all for? If I'm always going to be working and never going to be happy. If happy means that I'm always going to be struggling. Tell me, what is it all for? I'm tired of making my mother cough of wads of cash she doesn't have to help me fulfill a dream that doesn't even belong to me. The dream she's supporting is just the next best thing because it makes money in comparison with what I believe my real dream is. I feel so rushed into this next best thing. What the fuck is it all for?
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