Beauty lies deep within the soul, so long as you feel beautiful it shows...
Dewy, crisp morning, Brooklyn streets, the setting is instilled in you
The steps you take are familiar, they are habitual
The sun peaks at you through apartment buildings and two family homes
It wants to wake you up, remind you that you are alive,
But you feel like you are living in a coma.
The tapping of your feet into the trainstation and
Hoping to hear the screeches that let you know you public chariot awaits,
But you better make it because every person on it is impatient
And forbid they wait just two more seconds to continue on to their habitual lives.
We've all got these habitual lies we tell ourselves to make things seem like they have a purpose,
"If you're not making a difference, you are dormant"
I was told, but what making a difference is to them might not mean shit to you
So stressing yourself to become someone seems normal.
Why are you making every thing so hard when there is all this simplicity from the beginning?
It's so basic. Make yourself happy.
The say insanity is 'doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results',
Living is a cycle, no matter what you do
You could do something different everyday of your life and that would be your cycle
So if you are going to form a habit of something make sure it is something that makes you smile,
that makes you laugh, and that makes you love it even more, but never makes you wish you had your life back because once was just enough to satisfy your hunger.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Free Write: Something Beautiful
It’s like when you feel a train leave the station and you’re walking in the opposite direction of it’s own, but parallel to it. You walk within those yellow lines even though, in part, it frightens you to feel the strong vibrations of everything around you including the ground beneath you. The wind blowing your hair back reminds you of the force it exerts and makes you wonder what would happen if even a small piece of metal was lifted up by this force and flung at you. Would you die? Would you experience extreme pain?
That’s the feeling of danger you get when life starts going by really quickly. You have no control of it’s speed and what could happen if even one small thing goes wrong. You expect things to run smoothly and you stand in between the yellow line separating you and life. Most people stay behind it to avoid the possibility of something terrible going wrong, but you want to know what it feels like to feel the wind in your hair. You know that to experience life, sometimes you have to take risks.
So, you stand there watching it pass by, getting closer and closer, and then something flings off and hits you in the face. It hurts, it hurts more than anything you’ve ever known, but you wipe the blood and you endure the pain. You know that all wounds heal. You keep moving closer and closer to life moving so fast by you and then you touch it, but you aren’t there yet so you fall down from the impact. It hurts even more than the last time, so you lay there for a second. You almost give up, most people would walk away from it there. You feel sorry for yourself, but only for a second. Then, you reach your hands below your chest and push yourself back up. You brush off the mess you made, and you put yourself back together again.
Now, you stand there and life seems to finally slow down so that you can see all that has happened. You collect all of the memories of the incidents that hurt you and you accept them for what they are, scars and all, because life is finally coming to a halt. All of the beauty you had been waiting for and working so hard to get would soon be visible to you. You stand there in awe, this is life, and although the time you waited seemed long and the life you waited for seemed hard to reach, you know this is the beginning of something beautiful
*Note: This is just what I do on the train… write randomly.
That’s the feeling of danger you get when life starts going by really quickly. You have no control of it’s speed and what could happen if even one small thing goes wrong. You expect things to run smoothly and you stand in between the yellow line separating you and life. Most people stay behind it to avoid the possibility of something terrible going wrong, but you want to know what it feels like to feel the wind in your hair. You know that to experience life, sometimes you have to take risks.
So, you stand there watching it pass by, getting closer and closer, and then something flings off and hits you in the face. It hurts, it hurts more than anything you’ve ever known, but you wipe the blood and you endure the pain. You know that all wounds heal. You keep moving closer and closer to life moving so fast by you and then you touch it, but you aren’t there yet so you fall down from the impact. It hurts even more than the last time, so you lay there for a second. You almost give up, most people would walk away from it there. You feel sorry for yourself, but only for a second. Then, you reach your hands below your chest and push yourself back up. You brush off the mess you made, and you put yourself back together again.
Now, you stand there and life seems to finally slow down so that you can see all that has happened. You collect all of the memories of the incidents that hurt you and you accept them for what they are, scars and all, because life is finally coming to a halt. All of the beauty you had been waiting for and working so hard to get would soon be visible to you. You stand there in awe, this is life, and although the time you waited seemed long and the life you waited for seemed hard to reach, you know this is the beginning of something beautiful
*Note: This is just what I do on the train… write randomly.
Friday, September 17, 2010
9/16/10
Passionate, I want to be passionate about more than love.
I want to want more than love.
I guess I want love so bad because I have always felt I have lacked it.
Being attacked by, more than just your everyday bully.
I only knew love in the form of clenched fists slammed against my fair skin, or
Love in the form of words that hurt more than the welts on my body.
I was "nobody, but a piece of shit", and as pathetic as it is, I never felt beautiful, I couldn't even believe it when mami said,
Because mami loves her fair skinned, dark-haired baby, but she was the only one who saw beauty,
And most people would say that when you have a face only a mom could love then you have no face at all.
Ridiculed, traumatized, convinced by people's lies, and alone so I had to make a world of my own quick.
I drowned myself in books and movies, not only about love, but all the ones about love had the same idea.
I had to be beautiful, I'd have a man that would tell me I'm beautiful everyday,
I'd be filled with problems and insecurities, and I would have a man that would love me anyway,
he'd want to tell the world, he'd be so deeply in love, we'd fight and we break up, but he'd always run and chase me before I could get away.
So I never cared about a man, I only cared about the love.
So I'd suck the love out of anyone who dared utter the word or act like they cared, even just a little.
I only wanted the love, but none of it was real so it never satisfied me.
So I spent a lot of time alone, still wanting the love, without any strings or unnecessary sexual advances or advancement of relationships.
I gave up on the idea that I had to be loved and then right when I almost completely seperated myself from the need, I fell.
I fell deeply into something toxic and all my passion for being alone and being alive turned into needing love again.
So now I need love and I can't turn away from the desire.
It burns within me at all times and I can't let the habit die.
I want to want more than love.
I guess I want love so bad because I have always felt I have lacked it.
Being attacked by, more than just your everyday bully.
I only knew love in the form of clenched fists slammed against my fair skin, or
Love in the form of words that hurt more than the welts on my body.
I was "nobody, but a piece of shit", and as pathetic as it is, I never felt beautiful, I couldn't even believe it when mami said,
Because mami loves her fair skinned, dark-haired baby, but she was the only one who saw beauty,
And most people would say that when you have a face only a mom could love then you have no face at all.
Ridiculed, traumatized, convinced by people's lies, and alone so I had to make a world of my own quick.
I drowned myself in books and movies, not only about love, but all the ones about love had the same idea.
I had to be beautiful, I'd have a man that would tell me I'm beautiful everyday,
I'd be filled with problems and insecurities, and I would have a man that would love me anyway,
he'd want to tell the world, he'd be so deeply in love, we'd fight and we break up, but he'd always run and chase me before I could get away.
So I never cared about a man, I only cared about the love.
So I'd suck the love out of anyone who dared utter the word or act like they cared, even just a little.
I only wanted the love, but none of it was real so it never satisfied me.
So I spent a lot of time alone, still wanting the love, without any strings or unnecessary sexual advances or advancement of relationships.
I gave up on the idea that I had to be loved and then right when I almost completely seperated myself from the need, I fell.
I fell deeply into something toxic and all my passion for being alone and being alive turned into needing love again.
So now I need love and I can't turn away from the desire.
It burns within me at all times and I can't let the habit die.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Is love really a three letter word?
The question is, are you ready for the inevitable?
The eventual flaws and misteps of a relationship that can't be fixed,
Because you don't really want to.
We take two steps and three steps forward
In exhange for 6 steps back.
For two more concrete steps to fight until someone steps back and falls to the floor
And on the floor is, unfortunately, usually
Me, crawling back.
This territory so unfamiliar outside of this,
but in this I'm just that
Crawling
Until the edge, then I hang on for dear you
Like you, are my life.
Like all of this wrong could someday be right.
I'm so tired of playing Bellona, goddess of war,
Pretending to be this warrior of love, for you, my god,
My love.
In my eyes, you are a supreme being
So angellic when you rest
So enthusiastic when you are, just. being. you.
And for this alone, I thank you.
I ask of you to see me for my worth,
Because I'll fight for you, and with you.
Until the end of time
Or atleast until the end of each day with you.
The eventual flaws and misteps of a relationship that can't be fixed,
Because you don't really want to.
We take two steps and three steps forward
In exhange for 6 steps back.
For two more concrete steps to fight until someone steps back and falls to the floor
And on the floor is, unfortunately, usually
Me, crawling back.
This territory so unfamiliar outside of this,
but in this I'm just that
Crawling
Until the edge, then I hang on for dear you
Like you, are my life.
Like all of this wrong could someday be right.
I'm so tired of playing Bellona, goddess of war,
Pretending to be this warrior of love, for you, my god,
My love.
In my eyes, you are a supreme being
So angellic when you rest
So enthusiastic when you are, just. being. you.
And for this alone, I thank you.
I ask of you to see me for my worth,
Because I'll fight for you, and with you.
Until the end of time
Or atleast until the end of each day with you.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Wind.
Long days, I’m trying to make things right.
Long days, I’m trying to get through them.
Long days, I’m stressing myself through them.
Long days, I’m floating through them.
I see wind, I hear wind, I feel wind,
And there’s this constant battle between me and it
And in it I feel so weak, but I keep going.
It pushes me back, my little body so insignificant against it’s large mass.
In a moment time slows, and I feel all of it.
It consumes all of the space around my body and it moves me.
My hair on ends, my feet to the ground, and my arms lifted slightly and I call out into this wind,
“Save me.” Nothing.
I call out once more, “Save me from everything I am becoming.”
I drop my head back, I look up into the sky, I bring my hands up behind my head and tug a little on my hair, but I keep moving.
There was no answer, but I knew it.
Time resumes its pace, and I stop.
I drop my arms, I look straight ahead, and I keep moving.
I see wind, I hear wind, I feel wind,
And it moves me.
Long days, I’m trying to get through them.
Long days, I’m stressing myself through them.
Long days, I’m floating through them.
I see wind, I hear wind, I feel wind,
And there’s this constant battle between me and it
And in it I feel so weak, but I keep going.
It pushes me back, my little body so insignificant against it’s large mass.
In a moment time slows, and I feel all of it.
It consumes all of the space around my body and it moves me.
My hair on ends, my feet to the ground, and my arms lifted slightly and I call out into this wind,
“Save me.” Nothing.
I call out once more, “Save me from everything I am becoming.”
I drop my head back, I look up into the sky, I bring my hands up behind my head and tug a little on my hair, but I keep moving.
There was no answer, but I knew it.
Time resumes its pace, and I stop.
I drop my arms, I look straight ahead, and I keep moving.
I see wind, I hear wind, I feel wind,
And it moves me.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Little Boisterous Woman
note: free write on the A train.
I’m not lyrically as equipt as the finest of these poets that stand here
Making words into elaborate forms of emotions
Making sure you can see each adjective and hold each noun
Be each noun, make sure you can feel it from neck up and… down, right into your heart and pump its way through your veins
Make you feel from your toes to your fingers so much so you feel like you can visualize yourself writing the words into the walls of your brain
And I can’t maintain a flow, I can’t rap, I can’t sing
I bring no different elements , I have no special words
My vocab is limited and I guess this is where it ends
I’m. just. kidding.
All I have are these fingers and I just found my voice
I’ve been floating over the sounds of life avoiding them so I hope you can hear me over the noise
Focus.
This is the only thing I can bring to you
Sweet vibrations, low like sound the sound of water washing up to shore while the people sleep and the moon watches over the sea
Smooth, like the touch of a lover
This is all I can bring to you
BUT THIS LITTLE VOICE CAN SCREAM SO LOUD
This little woman can reach her hands up high
And touch the clouds at the tiny height of 5’2… and a half
And I hope I never have to come back to the ground and feel and breathe and know that you are here listening to me
ARE you listening to me?!
Give me an ear, one day I’ll be someone
That’s what mami tells me
Give me an ear, one day I’ll be someone
You just wait, that’s what mami tells me
I only have my voice, I know its not much
but it will be.
I’m not lyrically as equipt as the finest of these poets that stand here
Making words into elaborate forms of emotions
Making sure you can see each adjective and hold each noun
Be each noun, make sure you can feel it from neck up and… down, right into your heart and pump its way through your veins
Make you feel from your toes to your fingers so much so you feel like you can visualize yourself writing the words into the walls of your brain
And I can’t maintain a flow, I can’t rap, I can’t sing
I bring no different elements , I have no special words
My vocab is limited and I guess this is where it ends
I’m. just. kidding.
All I have are these fingers and I just found my voice
I’ve been floating over the sounds of life avoiding them so I hope you can hear me over the noise
Focus.
This is the only thing I can bring to you
Sweet vibrations, low like sound the sound of water washing up to shore while the people sleep and the moon watches over the sea
Smooth, like the touch of a lover
This is all I can bring to you
BUT THIS LITTLE VOICE CAN SCREAM SO LOUD
This little woman can reach her hands up high
And touch the clouds at the tiny height of 5’2… and a half
And I hope I never have to come back to the ground and feel and breathe and know that you are here listening to me
ARE you listening to me?!
Give me an ear, one day I’ll be someone
That’s what mami tells me
Give me an ear, one day I’ll be someone
You just wait, that’s what mami tells me
I only have my voice, I know its not much
but it will be.
Monday, April 19, 2010
April 16, 2010
What a new feeling to feel light and without despair dragging along
I’m afraid to trust this side of life
I’m afraid to trust this side of love
These are two sides I haven’t had the pleasure of ever seeing
It seems so unreal and as a realist it’s so hard for me to believe in things that aren’t familiar to me
Everything is different: I’m so afraid to let go of my doubts because if I get too optimistic I might die if let down
I’m the queen of the glass being half empty
And I have gladly worn my copper crown for so long now
It’s broken in now so if I let it go I might be letting go of my other skin
I am trying so hard to accept good things as they come
I am trying so hard to believe that in absence you became one
And believe that you will never stop being a good thing,
A light in my life
How much happier am I to feel your fingers intertwined in mine now?
I am overwhelmed with this feeling
My heart loves this feeling.
I’m afraid to trust this side of life
I’m afraid to trust this side of love
These are two sides I haven’t had the pleasure of ever seeing
It seems so unreal and as a realist it’s so hard for me to believe in things that aren’t familiar to me
Everything is different: I’m so afraid to let go of my doubts because if I get too optimistic I might die if let down
I’m the queen of the glass being half empty
And I have gladly worn my copper crown for so long now
It’s broken in now so if I let it go I might be letting go of my other skin
I am trying so hard to accept good things as they come
I am trying so hard to believe that in absence you became one
And believe that you will never stop being a good thing,
A light in my life
How much happier am I to feel your fingers intertwined in mine now?
I am overwhelmed with this feeling
My heart loves this feeling.
Monday, March 22, 2010
FEB 18 2010
More proof that I never finish anything I start. I just read this piece I started writing circa October/November. I like it … a lot actually. It is a real experience that I learned from and I had so much to write the day I had inspiration for it. Now I’m reading it over and over again and guess what? No motivation. I know what I want to write, but the words aren’t processing in my head the way I’d like them to. This is what I have so far:
I wish I never got drunk that day. It was a Monday, spring of my junior year and I was supposed to be in school instead I was downing a bottle of Georgi. They told me it was cheap, “but it will sneak up on you”. I doubted that, I didn’t think it would have snuck upon me the way it did. I remember my first cup, after a few minutes it hit me hard. I remember my self slouched on Kris’ couch claiming that I wasn’t drunk, but my eyes felt so heavy and I wanted to rest my head. I felt so thirsty and the only thing that could quench my thirst was more Georgi. I couldn’t even feel the burn anymore just the sudden reflex gag that I always experienced from the strong taste. After the threats and the yelling began they told me that I couldn’t have any more. I wasn’t having it, every time they weren’t looking I poured another cup. Eventually, I just took the bottle to my lips and embraced the cold glass rim. The room didn’t spin, it did something more than that. It twisted in weird ways and I could only catch a few glimpses of faces and sofas… and floors. My feet played a trick on me, they wouldn’t hold me up. Everytime I lifted one up to make a step I landed on the floor. The floor hurt, but it kept returning and crashing hard on my knees and hands. All of the voices were a blur, I could only make out a few things that were said, but I was having a torn and beaten conversation with the voices.
I really want to finish it because I know it will be one of the better things I have ever written since it is so personal. I just need the inspiration to continue. Where are you inspiration?
I wish I never got drunk that day. It was a Monday, spring of my junior year and I was supposed to be in school instead I was downing a bottle of Georgi. They told me it was cheap, “but it will sneak up on you”. I doubted that, I didn’t think it would have snuck upon me the way it did. I remember my first cup, after a few minutes it hit me hard. I remember my self slouched on Kris’ couch claiming that I wasn’t drunk, but my eyes felt so heavy and I wanted to rest my head. I felt so thirsty and the only thing that could quench my thirst was more Georgi. I couldn’t even feel the burn anymore just the sudden reflex gag that I always experienced from the strong taste. After the threats and the yelling began they told me that I couldn’t have any more. I wasn’t having it, every time they weren’t looking I poured another cup. Eventually, I just took the bottle to my lips and embraced the cold glass rim. The room didn’t spin, it did something more than that. It twisted in weird ways and I could only catch a few glimpses of faces and sofas… and floors. My feet played a trick on me, they wouldn’t hold me up. Everytime I lifted one up to make a step I landed on the floor. The floor hurt, but it kept returning and crashing hard on my knees and hands. All of the voices were a blur, I could only make out a few things that were said, but I was having a torn and beaten conversation with the voices.
I really want to finish it because I know it will be one of the better things I have ever written since it is so personal. I just need the inspiration to continue. Where are you inspiration?
FEB 19, 2010
I wish that things could just be
I wish I could wear love on my chest
I wish you could just see
That I want nothing more than little things
Like understanding, trust, and loyalty
I do not treasure material things
These values are what are important to me
The little things you think go unseen
Are exactly what I notice most
And if I’ve every hoped for anything
It would be to put all worries to rest
And live like two in harmony
I wish I could wear love on my chest
I wish you could just see
That I want nothing more than little things
Like understanding, trust, and loyalty
I do not treasure material things
These values are what are important to me
The little things you think go unseen
Are exactly what I notice most
And if I’ve every hoped for anything
It would be to put all worries to rest
And live like two in harmony
Sunday, February 7, 2010
I win
There were dollar signs in her eyes behind each iris
They also lined her lips, and she wore them like gloves on each hand
In the daylight she shone like the sun
By the night she was the moon and each star would envy her light
She illuminated in the dark while her victims kissed her face softly while grabbing her by the neck
Reverse pyschology she'd say
Let them think the upperhand is theirs
She wore the pants, and the 5 inch Louboutin heels that cracked hearts for wallets with each clack to the ground she floated over
She didn't like to be held because no man's touch lasts forever
Besides she'd always knew she'd live fast die young
And beautiful, dangerous was she
She was bad for their health, like a curse
They'd chase after knowingly
They had the illusion she was a rose when really she was the thorns
She was born to take and not give
She was born to sin
They had no choice, but to love her
Then she'd lead them to the end
Blindfolded with a cloth marked,
"I win"
They also lined her lips, and she wore them like gloves on each hand
In the daylight she shone like the sun
By the night she was the moon and each star would envy her light
She illuminated in the dark while her victims kissed her face softly while grabbing her by the neck
Reverse pyschology she'd say
Let them think the upperhand is theirs
She wore the pants, and the 5 inch Louboutin heels that cracked hearts for wallets with each clack to the ground she floated over
She didn't like to be held because no man's touch lasts forever
Besides she'd always knew she'd live fast die young
And beautiful, dangerous was she
She was bad for their health, like a curse
They'd chase after knowingly
They had the illusion she was a rose when really she was the thorns
She was born to take and not give
She was born to sin
They had no choice, but to love her
Then she'd lead them to the end
Blindfolded with a cloth marked,
"I win"
February 5, 2010
Emotions raging like the waters in the storm
Wading through the ocean of worries I am submerged in
I can see the sun in the distance attempting to fight its way through the thickened clouds
I swim, I swim harder, I swim…
Don’t let me drown.
-A.d
Wading through the ocean of worries I am submerged in
I can see the sun in the distance attempting to fight its way through the thickened clouds
I swim, I swim harder, I swim…
Don’t let me drown.
-A.d
Thursday, January 21, 2010
This is probably the worst time to post this..
Written months ago...
"Father"
All the pain you've caused me from day one
My mother is a part of me, no not partially, but fully
So the day you broke her for your own selfish needs you broke me too
I was only 1 or 2
I wasn't old enough to make a choice
You were scared to let me make a choice, but look at what you did
Now my choice will never be you
I've felt my moms tears on my shoulder
I've hears her wimpers while she holds me
You never wanted a wife and a daughter
You only wanted slaves that will never leave you lonely
Because They. Have. No. Choice.
Well I have a choice now
Karma brought up the person that I am, to you, from hell
Oh, can't you tell father?
That you played your devilish games and now they've come back to haunt you
These games you knew so well now I know
And I know how to make you wish you had never fought for me so hard knowing you were breaking my mother's heart with every lie you told
Then I got older, father, but not old enough to understand that what you did to me was abuse
No you never were a pedophile, but you abused me worse
With each blow to my body and mind
You wanted to take away my strength, you wanted to take away my voice
But even with your hands wrapped around my neck
And me to the point of seeing black, not a breath left within my tiny chest
You couldn't take the fight in me away
Every day you yelled so hard at me I could feel your spit on my face I grew numb
Because I already comprehended that I was a "dumb bitch" and "a piece of shit" the 1,001st time you told me
You didn't love, you hit, I was an animal to you
Helpless since you suppressed my voice by telling me you'd "end the life you started" before the cops could even get here
So I wouldn't touch a phone even if my mom was on the other line unless you weren't home or you touched it first
You wanted to hurt me, you wanted to see me in pain
Just like every other person who didn't obey your rules
Because it was "your way or the highway"
You killed him you know, you're father
And my only true love
The only person who loved me most
Loved me so much he'd die for me
And die for me he did, I'm sure he didn't want it to be so soon
But see, I had to learn to not be afraid of you
All. By. Myself
Do you know who I am today father?
Because I don't
The only thing I know is that I expect an apology from every person who comes into contact with me
I want them to feel pity on me, the poor victim I'll always be
The only words I've never heard from you mouth
Give me your sympathies for everyone you've hurt
But right. We don't deserve it
I beg it, but you're too proud for that
Aren't you?
I want to see you yell those words until your face turned blue because its never a problem when the words are what you want them to be
And I know I'm partially to blame
Because the only thing we've shared these days is a last name
And part of me doesn't even want that much relation to you
Father
What's in this title you held the day you bore me?
What shouldn't I expect if I want more than what's before me? What can you do father?
Ill never be satisfied
My cries will never end and my ties to pain will never end
Because I won't let them
Until your heart dies, but father I'm not sure you've ever had a heart
Because to have a heart you have to care about someone other than yourself
I guess that makes me heartless, too
If you're my one and only father and I don't even care about you
That's our biggest relation father
We have no heart, we're monsters
Soulless beings, you and me
You want something to brag about to your friends?
Tell them I'm just like you, I don't deserve love just like you told me everyday you placed a closed fist upon me and through me you're monstrous legacy lives
I am your kid, you're daughter, but I promise I won't let you live even when you're alive
You won't live within me when you die
I'll let you be gone forever, so don't boast too much father
Don't be so proud of what you achieved when you made me
Because you could never face me and say I'm sorry
"Father"
All the pain you've caused me from day one
My mother is a part of me, no not partially, but fully
So the day you broke her for your own selfish needs you broke me too
I was only 1 or 2
I wasn't old enough to make a choice
You were scared to let me make a choice, but look at what you did
Now my choice will never be you
I've felt my moms tears on my shoulder
I've hears her wimpers while she holds me
You never wanted a wife and a daughter
You only wanted slaves that will never leave you lonely
Because They. Have. No. Choice.
Well I have a choice now
Karma brought up the person that I am, to you, from hell
Oh, can't you tell father?
That you played your devilish games and now they've come back to haunt you
These games you knew so well now I know
And I know how to make you wish you had never fought for me so hard knowing you were breaking my mother's heart with every lie you told
Then I got older, father, but not old enough to understand that what you did to me was abuse
No you never were a pedophile, but you abused me worse
With each blow to my body and mind
You wanted to take away my strength, you wanted to take away my voice
But even with your hands wrapped around my neck
And me to the point of seeing black, not a breath left within my tiny chest
You couldn't take the fight in me away
Every day you yelled so hard at me I could feel your spit on my face I grew numb
Because I already comprehended that I was a "dumb bitch" and "a piece of shit" the 1,001st time you told me
You didn't love, you hit, I was an animal to you
Helpless since you suppressed my voice by telling me you'd "end the life you started" before the cops could even get here
So I wouldn't touch a phone even if my mom was on the other line unless you weren't home or you touched it first
You wanted to hurt me, you wanted to see me in pain
Just like every other person who didn't obey your rules
Because it was "your way or the highway"
You killed him you know, you're father
And my only true love
The only person who loved me most
Loved me so much he'd die for me
And die for me he did, I'm sure he didn't want it to be so soon
But see, I had to learn to not be afraid of you
All. By. Myself
Do you know who I am today father?
Because I don't
The only thing I know is that I expect an apology from every person who comes into contact with me
I want them to feel pity on me, the poor victim I'll always be
The only words I've never heard from you mouth
Give me your sympathies for everyone you've hurt
But right. We don't deserve it
I beg it, but you're too proud for that
Aren't you?
I want to see you yell those words until your face turned blue because its never a problem when the words are what you want them to be
And I know I'm partially to blame
Because the only thing we've shared these days is a last name
And part of me doesn't even want that much relation to you
Father
What's in this title you held the day you bore me?
What shouldn't I expect if I want more than what's before me? What can you do father?
Ill never be satisfied
My cries will never end and my ties to pain will never end
Because I won't let them
Until your heart dies, but father I'm not sure you've ever had a heart
Because to have a heart you have to care about someone other than yourself
I guess that makes me heartless, too
If you're my one and only father and I don't even care about you
That's our biggest relation father
We have no heart, we're monsters
Soulless beings, you and me
You want something to brag about to your friends?
Tell them I'm just like you, I don't deserve love just like you told me everyday you placed a closed fist upon me and through me you're monstrous legacy lives
I am your kid, you're daughter, but I promise I won't let you live even when you're alive
You won't live within me when you die
I'll let you be gone forever, so don't boast too much father
Don't be so proud of what you achieved when you made me
Because you could never face me and say I'm sorry
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Elevated Dreams
I was wishing on golden glimmering things in the night sky
You called them stars, but I knew better than that
We held onto the bars in front of us,
Too weak to hold our dreams,
But strong enough to keep us from falling
The dark water sparkled in the moon light
Flirting wit out inner free spirits
I sailed away in the wind
And I saw us chipper strolling down Brooklyn streets in the cold
With our hearts warm enough to embrace us and shelter us from nipping winds
Then, I came back to that moment in the midst of the promenade and challenged you
Soon we ran, our lungs filled with crisp warm air, bodies flailing
Along the path, while the water winked at us
Underneath the moon in the summer’s night sky
And when we stopped and caught our breath,
And you put your arm around me
I woke up and knew what those glimmering things were
Because they had always been reflections of you
Above me, shining down and guiding me to your heart
I had been wishing on you all along
You called them stars, but I knew better than that
We held onto the bars in front of us,
Too weak to hold our dreams,
But strong enough to keep us from falling
The dark water sparkled in the moon light
Flirting wit out inner free spirits
I sailed away in the wind
And I saw us chipper strolling down Brooklyn streets in the cold
With our hearts warm enough to embrace us and shelter us from nipping winds
Then, I came back to that moment in the midst of the promenade and challenged you
Soon we ran, our lungs filled with crisp warm air, bodies flailing
Along the path, while the water winked at us
Underneath the moon in the summer’s night sky
And when we stopped and caught our breath,
And you put your arm around me
I woke up and knew what those glimmering things were
Because they had always been reflections of you
Above me, shining down and guiding me to your heart
I had been wishing on you all along
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Part Two
Kiss me softly, I want to feel your mouth in slow motion
Its the only way I've imagined us now
No distance in between us, the persistance in my voice tells you that I'm serious
And delirious because of love, your love, even when it hurts
Give me all of you, love
Give me all of your love
Give me all of your heart
I promise to keep it here with me, locked away
And so you feel safe
You keep the key and choose for when we part, me and your heart
Because I'd never harm it, but I can't hold it forever... If you won't let me
Its the only way I've imagined us now
No distance in between us, the persistance in my voice tells you that I'm serious
And delirious because of love, your love, even when it hurts
Give me all of you, love
Give me all of your love
Give me all of your heart
I promise to keep it here with me, locked away
And so you feel safe
You keep the key and choose for when we part, me and your heart
Because I'd never harm it, but I can't hold it forever... If you won't let me
Room for two
Here we are, you and me, in a cube of possibilities
This room, these walls, they confine our thoughts and the words we let loose
No one has to know what I’ve done here with you
They don’t have to know that I’ve fallen in love with this room, with these walls
So familiar to me now that I’ve become accustomed to laying here with you on this bed
And everything you’ve never said, they say to me
They play with me, tricking me in to believing that what we have right here will last an eternity
But then you turn to me and I say, “I think it’s time to leave”
This room, these walls, they confine our thoughts and the words we let loose
No one has to know what I’ve done here with you
They don’t have to know that I’ve fallen in love with this room, with these walls
So familiar to me now that I’ve become accustomed to laying here with you on this bed
And everything you’ve never said, they say to me
They play with me, tricking me in to believing that what we have right here will last an eternity
But then you turn to me and I say, “I think it’s time to leave”
Monday, September 28, 2009
I found your heart
I was treading through high waters when I found your heart
I had held my nose and dove deep down to the warm center of your cold heart
Who would have known that it could somehow be warm somewhere in there
I held my breath for so long I thought my chest would collapse and my head would pop
A few times I lost strength and blacked out
I had almost given up on you
The storm had fought me so hard
But this is the calm, the best part
How it feels and is so good
To show you that I worked hard for this
After so much pain
I found your heart
I had held my nose and dove deep down to the warm center of your cold heart
Who would have known that it could somehow be warm somewhere in there
I held my breath for so long I thought my chest would collapse and my head would pop
A few times I lost strength and blacked out
I had almost given up on you
The storm had fought me so hard
But this is the calm, the best part
How it feels and is so good
To show you that I worked hard for this
After so much pain
I found your heart
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
My own
And I am just a girl who just entered college standing in a subway station waiting for the A train to take me to my destination
I’ve cried here in this station
I’ve laughed
I’ve been broken hearted
And I’ve been in love
Here in this station
I experienced embarassment and have given into selfish needs
I decided that I’d never have a first kiss here
But I’d look at you with innocent eyes and proclaim that seeing you again was only a maybe in my book
I’ve screamed here
And I’ve looked at you with hate
I’ve held hands here and shared hugs
I’ve wondered why I stood here with a handful of boys who had yet to grow up
And how I stood here with one man
Too sweet to ever see me again
And I am just a girl who just entered college standing in a subway station waiting for the A train to take me to my destination
With a book in hand
You see me coming your way, I don’t blend in
And if I have a look of contemplation on my face,
I’m probably wondering why it is I stood here with so many
A 18 year old girl with 18 years of anticipation of standing right here
Waiting to go home, alone
Happiest,
My hand holding my own hand
I’ve cried here in this station
I’ve laughed
I’ve been broken hearted
And I’ve been in love
Here in this station
I experienced embarassment and have given into selfish needs
I decided that I’d never have a first kiss here
But I’d look at you with innocent eyes and proclaim that seeing you again was only a maybe in my book
I’ve screamed here
And I’ve looked at you with hate
I’ve held hands here and shared hugs
I’ve wondered why I stood here with a handful of boys who had yet to grow up
And how I stood here with one man
Too sweet to ever see me again
And I am just a girl who just entered college standing in a subway station waiting for the A train to take me to my destination
With a book in hand
You see me coming your way, I don’t blend in
And if I have a look of contemplation on my face,
I’m probably wondering why it is I stood here with so many
A 18 year old girl with 18 years of anticipation of standing right here
Waiting to go home, alone
Happiest,
My hand holding my own hand
Sunday, July 19, 2009
I've abanded you blog love,
but this one is for you because tumblr doesn't support Imeem or videos from Youtube.
I've always loved Katy Perry for her eclectic style and "I don't care what anyone thinks, I'm having fun" attitude, but this just made me adore her. I didn't know her voice was this amazing. I'm delightfully suprised and I want to see more of this. This song means a lot to me personally because I always needed something that could express how I have felt for a couple of months and this is it. Her vocal skills are just a plus. I LOVE this song, I've been listening to it on repeat for about 45 minutes now. I promise you'll love it, too.
Monday, June 22, 2009
So I've betrayed blogspot
and have taken on a tumblr, well I really already possed one from ages ago and never used it. I'm addicted so this blog will be as it was before, for poems and stories strictly. <3
holdthegplease.tumblr.com
Follow me :)
Monday, May 25, 2009
So this is going to be a heart to heart..
from me to me. Lol.
This summer I'm going to be a new person. I'm going to laugh and smile like I used to, my friend reminded me that I used to be like that. You couldn't say a sentence to me without me laughing. I let a lot of shit get in the way of that, but I'm so over dramatic I can't even stand myself anymore. So fuck that, 2 years ago when I went through a phase like this I used the phrase said to me by some good friends of mine Angel and Romeo to change it and it helped me so much. Dudes told me to "Man up! Man the fuck up!", ha shit worked. I appreciate the good friends I had and have in my life who told me that. I miss you Romeo, you were always a good friend to me and let me hear shit like it was even when I didn't want to hear it. You got me through so much. I didn't forget you Dimitri! You have been there for me since 7th grade even when I treated you so bad. I miss you D-boy, make time for your go-getta! lol Okay that's my fault to, but still. You guys are like the brothers I never had, yet you're acting lost like my real one.
I let a lot of things bring me down I noticed, but seriously I have a steady job, $$$, I go to school, I'm graduating, I'm going to college in August, I basically do whatever my heart desires, I have a crazy family who loves me unconditionally, I still have hair when I honestly shouldn't, and I'm crazy, but somehow there's a bunch of people who love me out there. $h0uT 0ut$ 2 U guYsZ! lmao. Seriously though, I'm happy. It's very cliche, but what good would happiness be without the pain? This summer is about me. It's about the sun, and the clouds, and the stars, and the birds, and the beaches, and the pools, and the late nights, and the bbqs, and the parties, and the smiles, and the frowns, and the haters, and the tears, and the romance, and the laughter, and the heartbreak, and the money that will be thrown away, and the clothes that will break night with me, and the just living life and remembering every last moment of being illegal because it's over soon.
Anyway, Senior trip is in 3 days ^_^ Yey. I'm really excited to just take a vacation with my girls because it's honestly going to be a us thing and I need it! I want to get wet! lmao. I just hope my hair doesn't fall out or turn green. Life is really better blonde and green tea does wonders for the soul. By the way I'm going to start writing stories again. In fact, I think I'm going to make another blog just for stories and have this one as a journal. I'm going to dedicate a blog to telling people's stories.. I mean an exagerated version, but a version nevertheless. I forgot what it feels like to write, it's better than green tea. No wonder I love to do this, lol. I'm going to get ready for work now.
Meow.
Hey, why don't spaces and indents work for me on here lol
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